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Jackie said...
Jackie de la Cruz, 2007, Burbank
In my experience as an observer of the dating scene at Stanford, it does seem like there is no healthy medium in terms of dating, or "courting" if you will. Relationships seem to begin with the "hook up" and they then turn into more hook ups that turn into two people being considered "married." I feel that a big reason for this trend is the heavy workload that students get- couples end up eating together and studying together and then all their free time is taken up with each other that they are essentially married. This is why no one at Stanford dates- you just go from one extreme to the next.
Students at Stanford dont date in the traditional sense. But that's only because it's difficult to do so. There is nowhere to go because we dont really live in a city and going to a party at Sigma Nu or Flicks is not a date (no offense). Much like what Jackie said, people either are hooking up, in the middle of hooking up, or married. I feel like there arent traditional casual dating (movies, dinner, whatever) cause that's just difficult to do. So you go and have sex (creepin...) and if you think sex with that person is worth having having again then you have to multi-task your relationship and do things like study together or join the same groups because there is no time to just hang out or date or whatever so without doing things like that you dont see your significant other enough. That's why it becomes so easy to move in with your partner and stuff.
As someone who has been single for most of her Stanford career, I would say that one of the biggest impediments to people having dating lives - besides the fact that Stanford sort of has a nonexistent casual dating scene in the first place - is that people feel like they have no time. Relationships are time and energy consuming, and it seems like - if someone is sexually frustrated - it's so much easier just to have semirandom hookups instead of cultivating and maintaining a relationship.
I would agree with what Jackie and Matthew said, and to add to that, I think that it's also a perpetuating cycle - there's not so much of a casual dating scene at Stanford, so people don't ask others out on casual dates because it looks weird and isn't the norm. For example, a random guy asking a girl he thinks is cute out on a date or giving her his number would probably be seen as "sketchy" here if he doesn't know her, even if he just wants to get to know her better, whereas elsewhere, it's probably more normal. So guys don't ask girls out much, girls don't get asked out much, and everybody laments how our campus doesn't have anything in between random hookups and "marriage."
I've been in a casual, sexless relationship for over a year now, and I always get comments that my boyfriend and I do not reflect the "norm" of Stanford dating. It works because I have a car, we both like the same things, and we don't mind only getting to see each other on weekend evenings. We have not made eachother our only friends, and we're ok with that. I don't know why there isn't more of this at Stanford, but I think it's really hard to find someone who's completely compatible with you and it's even harder to find people who don't mind being in a relationship that's not like being on a roller coaster ride. When people have so little free time here, they want the time they have with someone to be fun if not meaningful.
I think the atmosphere of dating on campus is a self-fulfilling prophesy. Your freshman year, people are telling you about how people don't date and either you have one night stands or you are practically married to the other person. I feel like people can date if there isn't a safe wall of "nobody dates" to hide behind instead of getting out there and making it happen for yourself as opposed to allowing the social climate to make the decision for you.
Is the paucity of dating on our campus, assuming there is one, unique to Stanford, or does this just reflect a general trend outside the bubble? Having spent three summers in New York City, never once did being introduced to a friend of friends or getting hit on in a bar lead to a one-on-one date. I have observed, at Stanford and beyond, that groups of girls/boys make plans for the evening and casually suggest to anyone they're interested in that they should drop by--the system insures that you'll have something fun to do without making yourself vulnerable to rejection. And you don't have to choose just one special somebody.
But maybe Stanford is especially date-aphobic. Stanford kids like success; maybe playing the dating game particularly frightens us 'cause its 50% out of our control. As an aside, I hate making friends/girls/boys/dates pay for dinner out -- it's easy to stay on campus most nights where everyone has pre-paid meals. The bubble may be to blame.
I think dating at Stanford can exist, the problem is that most people don't have any game. Mostly this refers to the men, but also to women. Even good flirting (the non-sober kind) is hard to come by. I have had to change my concept of what dating is since coming to Stanford. Boyfriends/girlfriends are great, but the rules of physical and/or sexual attraction aren't that clear cut..and why should they be? If I'm attracted to a guy, I've just resolved to go for it, and see where it goes. As long as I'm comfortable with what I'm doing, and feel that there is mutual respect in the situation, its all good. Always having the expectation of a relationship no matter how lax or serious has become unrealistic, and VERY frustrating. Let it be organic, that's the fun of it. Stanford needs to develop a culture of male-female communication where people feel comfortable approaching one another. The fact that gossip spreads so fast, and everyone is always self-conscious of this person and that person knowing, in my opinion, kills a lot of potential love-making.
